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A husband and wife are celebrating their 30th anniversary at a quiet romantic restaurant when a beautiful young woman walks up to their table, kisses the husband deeply on the lips, and says, "See you tomorrow, babe," before strolling out.

​The wife is absolutely furious. She slams her glass down and screams, "Who the fuck was that?!"

​The husband calmly takes a sip of his wine and says, "Relax, honey. That’s my mistress."

​"Mistress?!" the wife shreks. "That is it! I want a divorce, I'm taking the house, the kids, and half of everything you own!"

​The husband shrugs. "Fine, if that's what you want. But remember, if we divorce, that means no more shopping trips to Paris, no more summer villa in Tuscany, no more Infiniti in the driveway, and no more country club membership. The choice is yours."

​Just then, they look across the restaurant and see a mutual friend of theirs sitting with a stunning brunette.

​The wife narrows her eyes and asks, "Isn't that Richard over there? Who is he with?"

​The husband nods. "Oh, that's his mistress."

​The wife takes a long sip of her champagne, looks back at her husband, and says, "Well... I must say, ours is much prettier."

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How Many Bars Do You Work At?

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I can't serve you, you've had too much already." ​The man sighs, leaves through the front door, walks around the corner, and enters through the side door. He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Look, buddy, I told you five minutes ago I can't serve you." ​The man leaves again, walks around the block, and comes in through the back door. He approaches the bar, looks the bartender dead in the eye, and asks for a drink. ​The bartender slams his hand on the counter and yells, "I told you, you're cut off! Get out!" ​The man looks at him in utter disbelief and says, "My god, man, just how many bars do you work at?!"

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The Wrong Outlaw

A bunch of cowboys hanging around in the saloon gambling and drinking When a man that looks like he took the most severe beating runs inside and says: β€”You boys better be running, Black Joe is coming! And falls to the ground. Cowboys think to themselves: β€” There are five of us and that Black Joe is alone. And they carry on with their business when two well known gunfighters stumble in, all covered in blood and struggling to stay conscious: β€” Run for your lives! Black Joe is close! And they both collapsed on the floor. Now all the cowboys were in distress, fearing that Black Joe, and around that time they heard heavy steps and they looked outside. It was a huge man, all dressed in black, with a black beard and two black pistols in each hand. He enters the established and says to the cowboys: β€” All of you, suck my cock! Get in line, quickly! The terrified cowboys felt like they have no choice, so they did as they were told. And when it was all over, that huge guy, as he was putting his pants back on, spoke to the cowboys: β€” You guys better get out of here, I saw Black Joe is heading this way!

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For the Record

Wife kicked me out of the house for measuring my penis. For the record, it reaches the back of her sister’s throat. . .

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